She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
