remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize