Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And then my night got REAL pukey
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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