Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize