found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
