Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
