Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
nutella sex= disaster
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
