She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
