Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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