This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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