Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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