i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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