I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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