thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
