and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
