using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
