I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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