There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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