you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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