if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
