my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
