I can't breathe out the right side of my face
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
