Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
