I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
