I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
