Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize