She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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