Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
