There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I party with great urgency now.
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