I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
