ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize