from now on my penis is your penis
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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