I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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