I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
