Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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