On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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