Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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