we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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