Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
