Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
