I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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