i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
