She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
you never un-have a 4some
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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