If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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