Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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