do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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