wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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