when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
