I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
