it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
