Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize