Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
