Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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