Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
