Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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