Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
