My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
