just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If I die, sorry about rent.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
