I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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